Some people can choose to have a few close friends, a handful really, or they could be the kind of person who has a revolving door of friendships. Either way, friendships between women can sometimes feel as close as a soul–sister connection, but sometimes, as I wearily learnt from a very young age, it can also sometimes be shrouded under a lucid cloud of manipulation.
Female energies vary greatly, and there are many kinds of women that form little inclusive groups, a safe gathering of like minded kindred spirits. But if we dig even further, some may describe female energy too as a delectable triple layer cake – a top layer of abundant, radiant energy, while safely protecting a middle layer of secrecy and trust, and lying beneath, a multi-layered treasure trove of fear, strength, weakness and loyalty.
As a teenager, I was always open and hopeful with my female friendships, albeit a little fearful at times of being excluded, as it is normal for young girls. And, although I had a happy outlook, and was quite fearless, I still was a little too trusting, often looking to be led and guided because I just wanted to be accepted and included, for I did not yet know the power I had in my own uniqueness.
For example, one summer, at the tender age of 14, I decided to test my resolve and try a new summer camp experience. So, I left my old camp behind, broke out of my comfort zone and dove headfirst into a sea of anonymity and pressure to make new friends in an inclusive “cool” environment. It was a shock to say the least. I just hit a communicative roadblock, and it baffled and overwhelmed me as to why I felt I could not fit in and be accepted?
One night, after feeling completely downtrodden, I remember being coaxed to sit in a circle in our bunk after dark, with a bunch of these mean “cool” girls of whom two were supposed to have been my “friends”. One of these girls, the top bully, thought it would be a great idea for us 9 girls to sit in a circle and to tell each other what we really thought of one another. To have” it out”, so to speak. So we could all feel “better”. Well, these mean girls had a toxic field day telling us, one by one what they didn’t like about us, and instead of it being an “honesty” circle, it made us feel so betrayed, so ashamed, so humiliated not just about ourselves, but most of all.. it breached the very idea of what a sisterhood should feel like. We stupidly gave those girls their power that night. That summer, many spirits were broken, and mostly, the distrust that opened up between us all – like a fresh wound that would fester all summer long, in a toxic haze of anger and fear, pretending that we were immune to the dark energies around us layered in fakeness.
This form of female bullying, otherwise known as emotional manipulation, put me, as a teenager, in a trying emotional position as a female. I suddenly doubted myself completely. It felt like my spirit was sinking in quicksand as my eyes were constantly fighting back tears – knowing very well that I misjudged my beliefs about female friendships. Perhaps not all women believed in a real sisterhood like I did? Was I naive to think that this was possible? And frankly, did being real just not cut it out in the world? Did I not cut it out in the world?
Some 40 years later, after much of life’s experiences, the answers to this question comes so swiftly to me like a melody of music, a song that I beg all of you to share with your daughters , whether they are kids, teenagers or adolescents.
This is what my personal bullying experience taught me about myself, and why I was meant to experience it so fully:
1.The universe was trying to tell me that I felt different because I WAS different- and that experience of alienation highlighted that for me, because I was worthy of SO MUCH MORE.
2.That I was meant to do things in my life that include others, rather than disclude others.. because I was shown how painful alienation could be..
3. It taught me to come out of my shell, and YES, it taught me to judge my friends a little more carefully next time based on their kindness, and not whether they were cool or not.
4. It taught me that it was ok not to fit in, for it enabled me to look from the OUTSIDE IN to give me the opportunity to honour myself, not to follow the herd, but to stand on my own two feet and realise my uniqueness in this world. For no one, and I mean no one, can take that away from you… EVER.
5.And last but not least, I realised that MY BULLIES WERE REALLY MY TEACHERS, and that they were mostly responsible, not for my self – doubt – but to push me towards self- acceptance and GREATNESS.
How?
They trained me and tested me to be a better person. A stronger more inclusive person. A person who uses their energy to shine kindness. And most of all –
I learnt that sometimes you must experience something bad to appreciate the good.
So treat bullying as a lesson. And don’t give up on finding true friends! Aim to sit in a circle with your true tribe. Within an invisible, circular shield of safety, clarity, beauty and grace. Sit underneath the stars that sparkle in the sky. Laugh, giggle and hear each other’s words, for this is what true friendship actually feels like.. where most importantly, you can just be free to be yourself.
Nicole xxx
